Lame-Ass Vibrators

What it is: "Lil' Chef Massager is a perfect disguised toy! When he sits on your night table, no one will know but you what surprises lie under his hat!"

What it does: It's supposed to be a cleverly disguised vibrator, but why would anybody have a "Lil' Chef" in their bedroom?

Who uses it: Bored housewives who spend all day watching the Food Network, fantasizing about Emeril and rack of lamb.

Other uses: Play character in Fischer-Price or Lego toy sets.

What it is:  A cross between a vibrator and a snow globe. You know those lava lamps that you see in head shop windows and think, "Gee, that looks just like a sex toy"...Well, this one really is a sex toy.

What it does: Makes you feel all sparkly inside.

Who uses it: Stoner college students.

Other uses: Lava lamp in your dorm room.

What it is:  A vibrator shaped like a hairbrush, with nubs on the backside.

What it does: Millions of women fuck themselves with hairbrushes anyway...this is just the logical conclusion. 

Who uses it: College girls who want to think they're putting one over on their dorm-mates or parents.

Other uses: You can use it as a hairbrush, but you have to clean the pubes out first.

What it is: "A scrubby brush with a 5-inch waterproof vibrating handle." Not available at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

What it does: Gets you off while simultaneously scouring away that ring around the tub.

Who uses it: People so compulsive about cleaning they can't even stop while they're masturbating.

Other uses: When the batteries go dead, use it to clean the toilet.

What it is: A mini vibrator cleverly disguised as an over-sized piece of ugly costume jewelry. A "powerful, discreet ring that lights up, strobes and vibrates." Yes, that sounds very discreet.

What it does: Makes your friends think you have incredibly bad taste in rings.

Who uses it: Women in shorty T-shirts with love handles hanging over their low-rise jeans and pacifier necklaces.

Other uses: Crackerjack prize.

Fake pussies for me...