Huge-Ass Dildos

What it is: A humongous red jelly dong with not one, but two vibrators inside it. 14" long, 2.75" wide, 8.5" around. Note from retailer: "Warning: This is Huge - Do not order unless you understand the size!"

What it does: Shakes, rattles, and rolls your spleen, gall bladder, and other internal organs.

Who uses it: Women with huge, huge vaginas. Women whose husbands who really should pay attention to those penis enlargement and Viagra spams.

Other uses: Vibrating back massager for sore muscles.

What it is: "The arm with fist is a replica of a real man's arm and is 15 inches long, 9 inches around and 3 inches wide." 

What it does: You know the phrase "tear you a new one"? This will do the trick.

Who uses it: Whoever they are, you can bet they'll be walking funny the next day.

Other uses: Knock-out right hook.

What it is: A freakin' huge dildo, cast from the freakin' huge member of a porn star. 15" long, 7 7/8" around and 2 1/2" thick. Most effective if used with a ton of lube and cheesy background music.

What it does: Lets you re-enact your favorite scenes from "Caught From Behind #4".

Who uses it: Women who want to feel like they're in a porn movie. Women whose guys have dinky members.

Other uses: Keep it by your bed to knock intruders unconscious.

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